TW: trauma, suicidal ideation
I'MÂ CARRIE
I was 19 when I met my husband and our courtship wasn’t very long before we took the plunge and got married. He had told me when we talked about getting married that he had a pornography addiction in his past, but it was no longer an issue. I remember a distinct feeling that this would mean more than it did to me at the time, being a young and naive 19 year old.
There were plenty of signs while we were engaged (despite the brevity of the engagement) that his addiction was still very much present.
I hate to admit it, and when I look back at I feel sick to my stomach, that I spent hours checking the computer history and screening his social media to see who he was talking to. I was on constant alert, what I later came to understand was hypervigilance. I honestly don’t know how we stayed married… that is until we had kids.
I got pregnant 8 months into our marriage and at that point my life changed. My focus shifted to growing a human and I didn’t have the energy for much else. I turned a blind eye to so many things just for the sake of “keeping the peace”. The next 5 ½ years were a rollercoaster. I had 4 kids in that time and shut myself off from feeling any of the pain of the drip disclosures I would get. He worked a lot and for business often traveled, leaving me home with 4 little kids in survival mode as I continued to navigate the emotional abuse. But it was shortly after the birth of our last child that my body told me it had enough.
Anxiety attacks were my norm and I was baffled that it wasn’t everyone else’s as well. I had a friend that said he needed help because he would have an attack about once a month and my mouth dropped. I wanted to know his secret. Turns out… constant nightmares and waking up 3-4x a night wasn’t typical and neither were moments of collapsing or feeling like your heart was being ripped from your chest.Â
I had grown up with heartache though, as my father was always emotionally abusive to my mother and often to us kids as well.
I had struggled briefly when I was 13 with suicidal thoughts, but never to the extent of this. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t know any other way to make the pain stop. I would dream about and look up the most effective non-violent methods, but it was always the thought of my kids being left behind that made me stay. His shame prevented me from reaching out for help or, honestly, even telling anyone, until the suicidal ideation became too much.
I started specialized betrayal trauma therapy and did the group meetings and yoga for betrayal trauma, but it didn’t seem to make things better. I was in therapy for 4 years and, while I loved my therapist, I didn’t leave with any tools of how to heal. Some days I felt like I was going just to vent and learned nothing in return (he was my most expensive best friend).
I had lived most of this time in an anxious state. I was addicted to exercise to escape my reality. Eating disorders were in my past, but obsessively exercising was my way to cope. But then I lost all hope that things would ever improve. Afterall, I was doing all the things (that I knew of) and here I was still in pain, and here he was still hurting me. Depression set in and I spent most days just trying to get by in my pajamas and food binging.
When my husband took his addiction too far and stepped out of just the screen (I won’t go into details because I love and respect my husband), we hit rock bottom - yes, there was further to go. It was still another month before he would tell me the full truth. At this point though, I knew I had to do something different. I made him leave and my brother stayed with me since I was struggling with the suicidal thoughts, and my husband and I fought like our lives depended on it (mine literally did) to save our marriage.
It was a rough year of piecing together something that always felt broken, but to this day, some of my favorite moments with him came from that time - the connection and authenticity was so real in moments that I was bit by bit feeling hope again.
So what changed? We stopped trying to change our bodies using our minds. We first explored mindfulness and it took off from there. Connecting to the nervous system and understanding our systems changed us individually and changed our marriage and changed our family.
We are happy. We are connected. We are understanding. Yes, we are still human and have our moments of misattunement, but now, we know how to repair and turn towards rather than turning away.
I want that for you too