Episode 9 – Self-Trust
Transcript
Carrie
Hey there, welcome back to the Resiliently Rising podcast. I'm Carrie.
David
And I'm David. We're so glad you're here today. We're diving into something that hits right at the heart of betrayal. Trauma that is self trust.
Carrie
Because let's be honest, when betrayal happens, it doesn't just break your trust with the other person. It also completely shatters the trust in yourself.
David
Yeah, many times in our healing journey, but especially at the beginning, you told me that the hardest. Part wasn't just what I did. It's what it did to you. How you couldn't tell what was real anymore and how you couldn't trust your feelings. And then intuition.
Speaker
MHM.
Carrie
Yeah, that was really one of the most painful parts because I felt like I lost access to my own inner knowing. I didn't know what was really anymore and what feelings I could or couldn't. Just because the truth is betrayal and gaslighting erode your ability to feel safe in your own body.
David
And I think sometimes as the partner who cause the harm, it was easy for me to want to skip over that part. Like, OK, I'm being honest now. Can't. Can't we move forward? But you couldn't rebuild trust with me until you started rebuilding trust with yourself.
Speaker
M.
Carrie
Yeah, exactly. And that's what we're talking about today. How to begin that process of reconnecting with your intuition or as I like to call it, your inner knowing. Were breaking it down into 3 pillars that had been game changers, both personally and in the work that I. Do. With clients welcome to the RESILIENTLY Rising Podcast where we talk all things Healing, self trust and relationships after betrayal, trauma.
David
We're your host, David and Carrie, we've lived this. We know how confusing, painful and honestly lonely this path. Feel.
Carrie
But we also know that healing is possible. We're here to share personal experience and professional insights so you can rebuild from the inside out.
David
We'll talk about the hard stuff, the hopeful stuff and everything in between. When it comes to the relationship with yourself and others.
Carrie
So grab a warm drink, take a deep breath, and let's dive in.
David
So you are the expert on restoring self trust because you experienced that and had to restore your own self trust. Where did you begin?
Carrie
We begin with our first pillar felt sense and felt sense is truly foundational. It's way more than just. Noticing like those tight shoulders or the racing heart, because felt sense isn't just a sensation, and many people tend to think it is, you know, felt sense. They think sensation, but really a better way to think of it is an embodiment. It's an embodied knowing. It's that subtle whole body awareness that arises before you even have the words for it. Like when you walk into a room and you just know something's off, but you can't quite explain how you know it's the body holding the truth before the mind. Even make sense of it?
David
And that's really different from what I initially thought when first hearing the term felt. Sense I used to think it would just meant like being aware of pain or stress in the body, but it's much deeper than that. It's more of an internal, multi layered experience, right?
Carrie
Exactly. Yeah. I think the term felt sense actually comes from Eugene Genlin and he described it as a special kind of internal bodily awareness, a body sense of a particular situation or problem. And what's powerful about that is it's not just physical. OK, it's, it's emotional, it's intuitive, it's rooted in the whole self.
David
So it's not just my stomach feels tight.
Carrie
Right. That's one aspect of it.
David
It's it's more like something in me feels unsettled.
Speaker
MHM.
David
Or there's a sense of heaviness when I think about this conversation.
Carrie
Yeah. And Eugene, Eugene genlin. He even kind of describes it as like this. Easiness that there's not always the words to describe it even, it's just that there's this, this something he says a felt sense is not just a mental experience but a physical one. But it is not just a body sensation either. A felt sense is a body sense of meaning.
David
A body sense of meaning that's powerful. It's it's like your body knows. What something means before your brain can catch up like it's offering up this wisdom. If you slow down enough to listen.
Speaker
M.
Carrie
Yeah, I think that's the big thing. If you slowed down enough to listen because we get so caught up in the mind that we actually miss the the source of where that's even coming from, which is in our body. So Peter Levine, who he developed somatic experiencing. He talks about this too, the felt sense, and he says the body is the container for all of our experiences and if we can learn to listen to its language, we begin to access the deeper truths that our cognitive brain may not be ready to hold.
David
Which that explains why trauma can make it really hard to connect.
Carrie
M.
David
To felt sense. Yes, because if your body became the site of. Pain. Or if you learn that your signals weren't safe to listen to, it totally makes sense that you'd disconnect.
Speaker
MHM.
Carrie
Yeah, exactly. And I used to override my felt sense constantly. Like I'd feel the warning signs. But then I and gaslighting myself like I would tell myself I was being dramatic, or that I was just anxious. But part of rebuilding self trust is reclaiming that body wisdom. It's saying you knew you always knew. And I'm so sorry. I stopped listening. There's this beautiful quote I first heard it when I was going through recovery from my eating disorder. And it describes this moment. Of turning towards your body so beautifully it goes and I said to my body softly. I want to be your friend and it took a long breath and replied. I've been waiting my whole life for this. That's exactly what it it means to reconnect with your felt sense to turn towards its unique language of all the wisdom that it holds, that it's trying to tell you something. And coming back into that greater connection between mind, body, experience or embodiment.
David
Yeah. And that's really hard after. Or. Gaslighting yourself because you know kind of that denial or you don't want those things to be true and or being gas lit by the person who caused the betrayal.
Carrie
M yeah. Yeah.
David
So how do people begin to reconnect with their felt sense when it feels so full?
Carrie
Honestly, it's a very gentle process. It starts with pauses, starts with curiosity instead of rushing into a decision or reaction. It's really just slowing down and asking what is happening in me right now, or if my body could speak. What would they want me to know? Because remember, the body's language is emotion and sensation, so we're going to give it a voice. If my body could speak.
Speaker
MHM.
Carrie
What would it be saying right now? What does it want me to know? And that answer may not come in words. It may come as an image, a shift, a sigh, a memory, and all of that's valid. It's really about, and that reconnecting to your felt sense, reconnecting to that language. It's identifying. How does my body speak to me? And for some, it may resonate in images more than others. For some, it may come in more movement. It's about finding the the language in which. You resonate.
David
Well, yeah, you've often said mentioned many times that your body knew the truth before your mind could catch. Up.
Carrie
There are many moments many, many, many times that there was just a feeling that I had, even though I had no like context for. It my body like screamed, this doesn't feel right and I I didn't have the you know that the things just supported to back it up and even recognizing that that is evidence like the feeling I'm having is something to back it up.
David
Yeah. Yeah, like your, your body was sensing that. I wasn't being normal or. You know, like picking up on cues that you couldn't consciously say, ohh, he said it this way instead of how he normally says it or his body language is different than right. Like you couldn't consciously see and say that, but your body was picking up on something's. Yeah, something's not right.
Carrie
Well, remember, our nervous systems are always communicating. So my nervous system's gonna pick up on your nervous system. Even things that you may not even be consciously aware of. But if something if if I'm like, my system is picking up on your stress.
David
Yeah.
Carrie
Yes, or and and you're trying to shove it all down and be like, oh, it's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. But my body registers wait a minute. There's something going on in him. Something feels off. That that's always be aware of. Is is our nervous system has so much wisdom that it holds that we aren't consciously cognitively. Aware of so we want to bring that unknown into the known and in doing that is that slowing down? Is that noticing what's happening in me and bringing that forward of saying, hey, I'm noticing something's a little off. And so like, now I I honor that voice, even if it's quiet, you know, even if it's inconvenient. That's what healing the felt sense is all about. It's it's not making it louder, but turning towards and and tuning in and becoming familiar with that language. It's a huge focus in the work that I do with clients.
David
Yeah, I'm just thinking the the really hard part is is when we were finally, truly on the path of recovery.
Carrie
Mm-hmm.
David
You were still trying to figure out this self trust? Yeah. And such. And so there were times where you felt like something was off. Off. And at least for me, I was. I was still on the correct path of recovery, even though you were Downing. So can the body send false signals?
Carrie
That's a that's a really important question and I think it really kind of comes down to, I think it's 1:00 we we often. Ask ourselves is. Is this my intuition or is this my trauma response and it's a lot of people struggle to distinguish the two?
David
Would be difficult.
Carrie
Yeah, yeah. Especially when the trauma has been chronic because there's you. There's that's so much time of being disconnected from your intuition that it's like it's it's difficult to. Kind of like a like a friend. You know when you've been apart for a long time in this coming back together, there's like, oh, I don't really know you anymore. And you have to. Get to know each other again.
David
It just takes a minute to readjust.
Carrie
Yeah, exactly.
David
Fall back into the groove and.
Carrie
Yeah, exactly like you could been best, best, best, best friends before. But at the time apart now it's like, oh, I don't. I couldn't even pick out your voice in the lineup, you know? So that's a big question. And I think it's it's one that deserves a lot more time than we can give it in this episode. So. We're going to follow up with that one next time. I think that's a really important one to. To discuss in depth.
David
Yeah. So be sure to come back to listen to to that and to distinguish between trauma response and and intuition. Yeah, alright. So once you start tuning into what you're feeling once you you notice that felt sense.
Carrie
Intuition.
David
The next step is validation pillar 2. And this one I think is especially hard when you've spent years being gaslit and told you're too sensitive or you're overreacting or that that that didn't happen.
Carrie
Yeah. It's one thing to feel something. It's another thing entirely to believe that what you feel matters. So for me, I had to learn how to stop gaslighting myself. I would feel something in my body or, you know, emotion would come up. And my first instinct was to question it, like, am I just being? Maybe I'm making a big deal out of now. Thing. What if I'm wrong and it really wasn't that bad? I mean, I have. I have distinct moments, distinct memories of doing that, of having a very real feeling that something was off. And if I was right but telling myself, Oh no, I need to trust and. Well, why can't I get over this? Or like, just just turning it around on myself?
David
Well, I remember that so clearly too, but you would say something with so much pain behind it and then almost immediately kind of walk. It back. I could see this battle happening inside you. You were trying to advocate for yourself, but also bracing for being dismissed.
Carrie
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And and because really, I had been, like, over and over again what I was experiencing was being denied. And it wasn't just in our marriage. It started long before that. And when those experiences stack up, you started caring this inner critic.
David
Mm-hmm.
Carrie
That mimics the voices of people who didn't see you or didn't believe. And eventually you don't even need someone else to invalidate you, because you do it to yourself. It's like the whole, you know, teach a man to fish, and he never goes. Hungry.
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
Carrie
Well, gaslight a person enough and they will never trust themselves again.
David
Yeah, you internalize that minimization and that's what makes this pillar so crucial. Validation is what about reclaiming your reality? And it's about embodying a felt sense of.
Speaker
MHM.
David
What I'm feeling is real. It makes sense that I'm upset given what I've lived through. My pain is not an overreaction. It's a response to something that hurt me.
Carrie
I think that shift is everything truly like just the this makes sense given what I've been through a lot of times. We think the it's, it's irrational. It's not logical to have this, this emotion or this. This thought or this behavior, but recognizing that at the core of it, it's showing up given what you've already been through that to your system that that seems like a rational thought, a rational feeling that it makes sense and validating that at some point in time. That. That protective response? Served a purpose. And is being played out continually cause it hasn't had that repair in your in your system and it doesn't always feel convincing at first. I mean sometimes it's shaky, sometimes it's just a whisper. But even being willing to consider that your experience is valid. That's a step towards healing.
Speaker
Link.
David
Yeah. And if you're the partner who caused the betrayal or harm, this is a huge part of rebuilding trust. It's not about fixing their feelings or defending your intentions. It's about validating what you caused and truly meaning it it sounds. Something like ohh that makes sense. Of course, that hurt. I believe you not just when it's convenient or easy to say those things, but especially when it's hard.
Carrie
I think it's important to also name that honoring that it's valid isn't necessarily the same thing as saying. That it's. Right with what's now. And we'll get into that when we talk about the distinction between the two, like the intuition, I felt sense.
David
Yeah. Yeah, cause cause even if you didn't mean it that way or whatever doesn't mean that. Their experience is false of that's how it landed or her or whatever. And so you.
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
David
You have to validate that God those feelings hurt.
Carrie
They're real and that it's it's OK to feel them. I I, my clients hear me say all the time that healing is relating differently. To the parts of us that show up when there is the the doubtful when there is the the the parts that question ourselves, it's recognizing that that makes sense. Why I would question it.
David
MHM.
Carrie
Given what I've been through, it makes sense that I'd be scared given what I've been through that really that validation isn't. Always about. Agreement. You know that that's the thing. Because I think sometimes we can be like, oh, wait, if if I validate you, then I'm saying that you're right. I did something wrong. And that's not what it's what it's about. But that kind of support where you really are like, I'm with you in this and I understand. And you're not crazy.
David
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no.
Carrie
That creates this space where the person who's been hurt can begin to trust their own experience again.
David
And you can talk later about. OK, here, let me explain what happened. But first you you need to validate before you try to explain yourself.
Carrie
Yeah, we've talked about. In previous episodes, the Kinect before correct. Yeah that it's. I'm not trying to get you to see my side. I'm being with you and what you're experiencing now. I'm connecting with you versus trying to convince you otherwise.
David
It reminds me of of actually 2 little reminders. That I have set to go off daily in my phone. And and and. This isn't just about our relationship. This is they came primarily from my work situation and dealing with things there. And that's the first is what's going on underneath what they're saying.
Carrie
That's a good one. A good way to lead with.
David
Curiosity and then the second is am I trying to win or understand?
Speaker
Oh.
Carrie
That's a good one.
David
So am I trying to defend myself or understand and we need to understand and validate before we explain ourselves or try to rectify the situation.
Speaker
MHM. Yeah.
Carrie
Yeah, that's really good. But let's say that even if you're healing without that kind of support, you can still offer the validation to yourself, and so that might sound like, of course, I'm struggling. I went through something really traumatic. So you're really honoring and validating what it's been like for you.
Speaker
Yeah.
Carrie
It's OK that this still affects me. I don't need anyone else to agree in order to know that this is real for me, and I think that there's a lot of power in that. When when society will often, when it comes to betrayal, trying to minimize the impact like Oh well, that's not a big deal. You shouldn't be bothered by that or. It. It negates the experience that you're having, and it's really honoring that I'm having an experience here whether somebody agrees with it, understands it or not, it is real for me.
David
Mm-hmm. Even just putting your hand on your heart or your belly and saying I believe you can be incredibly regulating. It's like telling your system you don't have to fight to be heard anymore.
Carrie
I think it's a beautiful one because what we want, we want to be heard, we want to be seen, we want to be understood. But it puts that you don't have to fight to be. You know that it's just all that, that energy, that protection in that fight, and it sends the signal to your system. I won't abandon you this time. Like I may not have had the tools before, but I do now and I'm learning how to hold you with compassion instead of criticism. So this is a practice I do often with clients and and I like to call it making contact. It's being with the experience, not trying to change it. But standing as a witness for it.
David
Yeah, I love that. And I think a good rule of thumb is if your first instinct is to shut it down, pause. Ask yourself, what if this feeling is valid? What if it makes perfect sense, given everything I've survived? It can change the whole tone of your inner dialogue.
Carrie
Yeah, exactly. And when you combine the validation with that felt sense we talked about earlier when your body speaks and you choose to believe it, that's when real self trust begins to grow. It's not about being right. All the time. It's about staying in a relationship with yourself, staying connected, staying curious, staying kind.
David
Yeah, just just remember that even if you don't like or want these feelings, because you won't. Giving yourself permission that it's normal. It's OK to feel this way. Such a game changer. That felt sense and validation starts you on a path to healing. You and you're no longer fighting against your body, but you're working with it. And I wanna just add that. If you don't have in that relationship or that person who betrayed you, the validation from them, and it's hard for yourself. That's why finding a support person.
Speaker
MHM.
David
Can be so helpful. Because someone that can validate. Yeah. That's that's gotta hurt. Yeah, I'm sure you hate that. That's tough. Whatever. Right, having someone help, validate with you.
Carrie
Yeah, being with you in it, which is why so many of my clients come to me.
David
Is strong.
Carrie
Because I've lived it there. That's what they're drawn to me is because I get it that there is that validation. So that leads us into the third pillar, which is follow through. This is where our self trust stops being just an idea and starts becoming a lived reality. It's where healing shifts from just the insight. To the integration and it's how you actually show your body. I don't just hear you, but I'm willing to protect you now.
Speaker
Yeah.
David
So let's start by quickly talking about what follow through looks like from the betrayer in this process. Of healing and rebuilding your yourself trust. I learned this one the hard way because for a long time I thought follow through meant big gestures. Like I'll never hurt you again or I'll do whatever it takes to fix this. What do you want? I'll. I'll do that. And while those things might sound good in the moment, or like they're going to be helpful. That's not what actually builds trust.
Carrie
Yeah, yeah, because because just doesn't grow in the dramatic promises, it grows from the small. Repeated evidence that you're going to show up differently, especially when no one is watching. It's like telling yourself I'm going to wake up at 6:00 to go to the gym every morning, and if I don't follow through on that consistently. I'll never trust myself to do it. I haven't had any evidence that I will, and that's what the follow through is all about.
David
Yeah, exactly. It's saying if I said I'll be home by 6, I'm home by 6:00. If I said I'd work on my reactivity. I'm doing the work even if it's uncomfortable and honestly, that's been more challenging for me than just saying something big and hopeful. It's because it's it asks me to show up again and again, and to keep showing up. Even when it's hard or inconvenient, or I'm tired or whatever.
Carrie
Yeah, follow through requires a lot of integrity. I mean, not just in relationship with others, but with yourself. So for me, like I had to learn that I had learned to to how to say no and mean it. Or saying like I need space and honoring that. It was. It was sacred. It was powerful. And it didn't just protect me. It actually helped rebuild me. Because every time I followed through on something, my body asked for, I sent a message to myself. You matter and I'm not abandoning you anymore. And I think we're really, like, tangible, practical way to think of this. We can all relate to is a hunger cue. Like our body is communicating a need. I need food. I need nourishment. I need energy. And when we honor that, it's like, oh, I I need something. My body's telling me it needs something. Then our body knows, OK, when I tell you I need something, you're going to give it to me. But if you actually ignore that hunger queue long enough, it goes away. And it starts to speak in other ways. Then you get dizzy or headache, feeling weak, feeling irritable because your body is like, well, you didn't listen to me. So now I'm going to I'm going to kind of make things worse here, but that following through is I know what you're telling me. I. Need and I respect that I'm honoring that and I'm following through on what you're telling me. It's the. Same way with boundaries.
David
Yeah, and it doesn't always feel good or it's not not what you want, but following through actually makes life more predictable and easier to navigate. Healing on on both sides of the relationship. You're riding the relationship of inconsistencies.
Carrie
And that's really what's wild when we follow through for ourselves, it actually models safety for others too. Especially in relationships that are trying to rebuild after rupture, because when someone sees you keep your word to yourself, it invites them to show up in the same way. I mean, that's like the essence of parenting, right is modeling how to handle relationships, how to handle difficult emotions, and they say. Ohh I can do that too.
David
Yeah, it it it. It becomes kind of contagious in the best way. Like ohh. This is how we move differently now.
Carrie
Yeah. And to be clear, follow through doesn't always mean perfection. I mean you, you will drop the ball, you'll make a plan to rest, and then you'll end up doom scrolling instead. I mean, I think that's when, again, most of us can really do. You'll promise yourself that you'll say no, and then you'll say yes. Anyway, that's human.
David
Yeah.
Carrie
But the difference now is that you notice and you repair you circle back. You say that didn't feel aligned. What would I like to do differently next time? And then you actually do it differently again and again. You create a new pattern.
David
Yes, even though you weren't perfect, this new awareness. Is a game changer. You know that's where we talked about in other episodes. We went into awareness and in many ways right. This whole process just takes a lot of new awareness and you can be intentional. You can tell yourself you, you know what? I'm OK with this right now or.
Speaker
M.
David
I slipped and that's human. It's OK. I am now choosing to realign with what I want and follow. Right. Just having it takes that awareness first and then you can consciously make the correct decisions.
Speaker
MHM.
David
To improve and correct.
Carrie
Yeah, that's where the real trust is gonna grow, like, not from the the perfection, but from the presence and from choosing yourself over and over. Even in small things, particularly in the small things. Like taking a lunch break when you said you would, or choosing to go to bed instead of just naming out on the phone. It seems like nothing, but they're everything to your nervous system, especially when you're rebuilding. It's those small details that matter most because they prove that you are no longer the one abandoning.
David
And that's a a really important reframe because I think a lot of people associate follow through with discipline or willpower or that like perfection that we were talking about. But what you're saying is it's actually about safety.
Carrie
Yeah.
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
David
It's about showing your body. Hey, I I keep promises. Now I don't guess like anymore. I don't betray myself to make other people more comfortable.
Carrie
Exactly, exactly. Follow through is how we rebuild self trust. It's how we rebuild self worth and even our self identity because it proves to us that we're becoming someone safe to be in relationship with. We are aligned with our values, we are aligned with. Our boundaries with our beliefs and we are we are living a life in accordance with that.
David
Mm-hmm. So just to recap, the three pillars of rebuilding self trust are felt sense becoming more embodied. Validation affirming your experience. And follow through backing yourself with action.
Carrie
Yeah. And if you felt like you've lost yourself in the wake of betrayal. This is where you begin. Not by figuring it all out, but by rebuilding one small moment at a time.
David
Yeah. And if you're walking this path with a partner or trying to support someone in this space, remember you're not the fixer, you're the witness. You help rebuild trust by becoming a steady, honest presence.
Carrie
If you're looking for a guided support in real time and how to heal yourself, trust you can check out my new program, the embody Connections, Boxer Coach. Which brings you support when you need it in real time using the Voxer app, you get to reach out to me Monday through Friday and I'll be there to guide you back to your failed sense support you in that validation and help you with the follow through. You can find the link to more details in the show notes below, and you can also connect with me on Instagram. At heal with Carrie Gene, where I share more support and insights for your healing journey.
David
Thanks for spending time with us. You are worth trusting again and we're here cheering you on as you rise.
Carrie
Until next time, take a deep breath. Be gentle with yourself and keep rising.
